tim15856
1173159909
Posted 1173169483
#1
To understand what this dog meant to me you need to have some idea of my life and know what kind of dogs Shelties are. Like many others, I have no children of my own. I have two step-children who I didn't get along with very well. The wife never backed me up and pretty much under-minded my authority. So often I felt ganged up on and alone. Buttons was my support. She was the first dog I owned as an adult. From sleeping on my lap while I played on the computer, to the twice daily walks, we bonded very quick.
She was a daddies girl and followed me everywhere. She didn't like sharing me with the wife either. If we got too close, she would bark her disapproval. Then she'd grab my leg as to say "you're my daddy, get away from her". If you look up the good traits of Shelties, she had them all. Except for one fault, she was the perfect dog. She never liked stairs and loved when I carried her. I tried only to carry her up to bed so she wasn't totally a spoiled brat. When I got ready to carry her, she would get into the proper position and then she got into a good comfortable position in my arms. She made it easy to carry her around. My other Sheltie Bows doesn't like being carried and doesn't rest comfortable in my arms. When the vet or anyone else had a compliment for either of my dogs, I would feel as proud as any parent who's kid just won an award.
A year or two ago Buttons developed a collapsed trachea. She was on Torbutrol & hydrocodone. She still coughed, but not nearly as bad. Sometime in Jan, we noticed that her coughing seemed to be getting slightly worst. I went onto the internet to see if there was anything else we could do. I found that most online vets suggested the same treatment. I then noticed one that said that prednisone might also help. I had a supply of it because the vet prescribed it for Bows to treat her arthritis. It didn't work and we used something else, so I had a couple weeks supply left over. I told the wife to start giving it to her. Two weeks later, on a Weds, the wife calls me up and says she's got a bad cough. I told her then to stop giving her the prednisone. I came home from work that night and her coughing was real bad. The next morning the wife leaves a note that says we might have to put her down. She was holding her head out straight in order to breath. Her breathing was raspy. I take off of work and immediately take her to the vet. My regular vet went on vacation, I got a brand new, out of vet school vet. He checked her out and even let me listen to her lungs. As I tried to tell him about the prednisone, he said he would not recommend giving it to her because it inhibits the immune system. I told him I already gave it to her. He didn't say anything then. He kept her to run tests and x-rays. The blood tests didn't seem too bad. He said it had slightly elevated white blood cell counts. He said she had a lower respiratory infection and that he gave her a shot of Baytril. When I got her back, she looked bad. She threw up in the car on the way home. I can't remember what happened the rest of Thurs.
On Fri the wife informed me that Buttons wouldn't eat and suggested I try rice. She did manage to get the strong anti-biotic the vet gave us for her (started with a 'z')into her. I made some rice, but she had a hard time eating it. I then mixed in some chicken broth, she liked it and ate the rest. After she ate, I knew she needed some rest. She still looked bad and her ears were laid back. I decided to go into the basement because even if she couldn't follow me, if I was there, she at least tried to keep track of what I was doing. An hour later I come up and find she is comfortably sleeping. Because she lost much of her hearing, I didn't wake her coming up the stairs. She woke up while I fixed lunch to take to work. She seemed better. Her ears were up and she seemed to have more energy. Before I left for work, I set up the steam vaporizer hoping it would help her breath.
Around 5 PM the wife calls and says she still won't eat. I told her to call the vet. They call back two hours later and say to give the pills a couple days to work. Around 10:30 PM the wife calls me at work frantic. Buttons had collapsed and wasn't breathing. I raced home, but there wasn't anything we could do. I called back after I hit the highway and found that she was gone. She had died in my step-daughters arms. My step-daughter said it looked like she had respiratory arrest.
I'm a 49 year, old school male; strong, silent, show no emotion type of guy. I never cried so much in my life. After a week or two i thought I was getting over it. When three weeks hit, I seemed to have a relapse. The stress of my life is draining me and I don't have her to support me.
And I can't forgive myself. I beat up myself everyday for giving her the prednisone. The wife says it's not my fault and that if anything, her forcing the pills down her throat two hours before she died may have done her in. But no matter if that had anything to do with it or whether the vet should have helped us when we asked for help, it doesn't matter. My mistake of giving her that unprescribed drug made her sick in the first place. It's my fault! It's my fault! I can never forgive myself. After she died, I looked on the internet to see why I screwed up. I then read that her condition was susceptible to infections. Why...Why would a vet suggest a drug that inhibits the immune system for a condition that is susceptible to infection? We stopped going to our vet for awhile when he prescribed prednisone for Bows at the same time as we were treating her for an ear infection. Another vet said she would never do that. Yet I sent emails to two vets on the internet and both said it was OK. So I went back to him. So I knew then that it inhibited the immune system, but I didn't know her condition was susceptible to infection. Still, I never should have given it to her without checking with the vet.
Not only will I never be the same, Bows is suffering. We got her a year after Buttons. Buttons was the alpha female and Bows depended on her. Now she won't play indoors and mostly just lays around.
After two weeks I thought maybe a companion would help. I got a nice older rescue Sheltie (Beamer). He's a good boy, but has the type of issues you might expect from a rescue dog. Bows is starting to come around and the two of them have been working together to wake us up in the morning. Even though Beamer is much bigger than her, he seems to be following her lead. Hopefully she comes around and the two of them become good buddies.
As for me, I've been looking at various Sheltie websites and find that there are a lot of Shelties that have a lot of the same traits my Buttons had. When Bows & Beamer are gone, perhaps a new puppy can fill some of the void in my heart.
To see my baby a couple weeks after I got her, see this video I uploaded today. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgQSkrx8_oU
mookie
1171639031
Posted 1173187449
#2
Dear Tim,
I am so sorry for your loss of Buttons. She sounds like she was such a sweetie - your precious baby. I love her name - so adorable! Shelties are such wonderful, loyal, spirited companions. I still grieve for my Carli who passed away just over a year ago, and Sammi who passed away in June.
Carli was our 10 year old tri sheltie who was queen of the house! She got sick one day and 3 days later died at the vet of liver and heart failure. I so wish I could have been there with her at the end! How I miss my sweet girl.
Sammi beat the odds and lived 14 months with lymphoma. We had to let him go to the bridge and how it still aches without him! He was only 8, a handsome blue merle, so quiet in spirit, my constant shadow.
I guess I'm saying that I feel your pain. I would give anything to have my precious babies back, and I can get in the rut of asking myself many "what if" questions and feeling guilty. The thing is, Tim, you loved your Buttons every minute of every day with all that you could give her. She knew it and loved you unconditionally, and still loves you as she races around with Carli and Sammi at the Rainbow Bridge with not a care in the world! You gave her enough love for a thousand lifetimes and the reunion you will have with her one day will be amazing beyond comprehension!
Be gentle with yourself. Feel. Cry. Smile. You seem like such a compassionate, caring person. Buttons was lucky to have you for a Dad!
Sue
zoes_folks
1172880351
Posted 1173197819
#3
i'm so sorry about buttons. i know your heart is aching. my husband is also an old school guy. and i have never seen him sob like this. men suffer too! let yourself cry.
those guilty feelings are so hard to work through. i keep telling myself that my sweet zoe knew i loved her and felt loved and had a wonderful life with us. it's all that keeps me going!
time will make things better. keep coming back to this site. it has helped the last 6 days be bearable for us!
we also did the candle ceremony last nite and it really did bring us some peace. through our tears, we lit zoe's candle and truly felt her with us. i hope you get the opportunity to do that!
you are all in my prayers!
CindyH
1165864486
Posted 1173210203
#4
I am so sorry for your loss.
Did the vet rule out heart disease? I lost my precious baby due to heart disease and it sounds like the same symptoms. I am just curious if they mentioned anything about the heart.
Please take care of yourself. It is so so hard.
Cindy
Member deleted
Posted 1173219558
#5
Tim,
I'm in tears after the first paragraph. I'll have to come back another time and read your post fully all the way through... I, too, have been "owned by shelties" and they are a very special breed. I can relate totally and I've only just begun reading... you will be in my thoughts... and I will finish reading and post again sometime soon. I'm so very sorry for your loss of Buttons...
Patti
indysmom
1173219987
Posted 1173220312
#6
When my dog passed away - I too beat myself up for the things that I thought I should have done better. Then someone told me that "how could I have been a bad dog mom as much as I loved my dog?"
You are a great dog dad. Please don't do this to yourself. More dogs should be lucky enough to find themselves under your watch.
Please hang in there....
KarenC
1159909348
Posted 1173224630
#7
Dear Tim15856 - I read your post and understand exactly how you feel. Your Buttons was your soulmate - your loving companion. You did everything you could out of love for her. She knew that. Giving her the prednisone was not wrong. You tried to help her, and she knew that. Don't torture yourself and bog down in doubt and guilt. The bottom line is love. When Buttons passed she took your love with her as hers is still within your heart. That kind of love and dedication is eternal - you will be with her again some day. My Shih Tzu, Sadie, was 15 when she passed, by euthanization, from a crippling stroke. I have punished myself over and over from the guilt. It's been 7 months and I have just now been able to reconcile that I did the right thing because I loved her so much. But, like you, she was my dearest companion and I still have those days when I miss her so very, very much. Your other babies sound wonderful and will do their best to help you - they know what has happened. As time goes by, things will get easier and your heart will fill with warm and funny memories of Buttons and the void will be less and less. I believe that once in a while we are blessed to be connected with those companions who are very, very special, and I believe your Buttons and my Sadie were two very special ladies. I send my prayers for peace and healing to you. Take care of yourself and remember, you are not alone, we're all here to help you on this sometimes bumpy and painful road. Hugs, KarenC (Sadie's Mom)
My Sadie Baby
I Miss You So Much!
tim15856
1173159909
Posted 1173234765
#8
Thanks to all of you for your support. It means a lot to me.
"I love her name - so adorable! "
My wife's family is really into Lucy Ball for some reason, so she wanted to name her Lucy. I absolutely refused to call her that. It wasn't long after and I was thinking that she was "cute as a button". So I named her Buttons! The following year when we got another Sheltie the owner brought her over. We said "what should we call her that would go with Buttons?" The owner, who later said he was only joking said "bows". We said "That's it, perfect!" And so we had Buttons & Bows.
we lit zoe's candle and truly felt her with us.
I will get ready for next week.
Did the vet rule out heart disease?
He never mentioned it. He only said she had the lower respiratory infection.
And thanks for the words of comfort from all of you. Here is a picture of my Buttons taken last year. My computer is in the basement so when Buttons follows me down there she would either lay down at the bottom of the stairs or on the landing since she didn't like climbing stairs very much. She also doesn't like the camera flash and usually I get a picture where she is protesting having her picture taken. This time she cooperated.
mookie
1171639031
Posted 1173269395
#9
Oh Tim, She is definitely as cute as a button! What a sweet little face! She's so adorable!
Thinking of you today,
Sue
Goldensmom
1166649297
Posted 1173279500
#10
My dear Tim,
I am so sorry for your loss, Buttons is beautiful. My late husband was also the strong, silent type - the only two times I ever saw him cry was when our first Golden, Captain, died and when he was dying and forgot my birthday. I loved him through our grief over Captain, and told him his presence in my life was the best birthday present I could ever have.
Let yourself feel, cry and grieve. We grieve in direct proportion to our loss. You have lost a love, you will grieve deeply. You honor her life and love when you honor your feelings. Sadness, grief, tears, etc. are never signs of weakness - they are signs of love and life.
Please let yourself off the hook about the predisone. You loved her and were trying your best to help her. She knew that.
You loved her and she loved you. Rest in that comfort.
Pax, Karen
Gruntsparents
1170804364
Posted 1173286502
#11
Tim,
Your Buttons is so cute, I loved the video and it did my heart good to watch it. I am so sorry about your loss. Please do not blame yourself. You will soon see that many of us here are dealing with guilt. We loved them and they depended on us, so of course we are going to feel guilty no matter how they went. You were only trying to care for your girl. She knows that too. Please be gentle with yourself and know you are not alone.
Take care,
Patty and Kelly
parents of beloved Grunt
tim15856
1173159909
Posted 1173383728
#12
Thank you all for the kind words. Patty and Kelly I'm glad you liked the video. I actually have a whole DVD of just Buttons & Bows. Hopefully I'll be able to watch it again sometime soon. It's just to painful to watch now.
tkkfirst
1171254404
Posted 1173391644
#13
Tim,
Your video of buttons is just adorable. I'm so sorry you lost her. I lost my baby 2/9/07 and I know what a tough time you're going through. I really wish I had a video of Putter to watch too. I'll just have to settle for the pictures I have. (I do have a ton of them!)
Peace and Hugs,
Tricia (Putter's mom) 6/9/95 - 2/9/07
fiona19
1171448572
Posted 1173399266
#14
Tim,
The video, photo and stories about your baby Buttons were lovely and show just how much you love her and how much she loves you. You shared so many good times and, like every good puppy parent, you were there looking out for her when she needed you.
Be strong, cry whenever you feel the need, and know that there are a lot of us that understand what you're going through. Every night I go through a routine of saying good night to all my fur babies and telling them I love them, even the ones that have passed over to the Rainbow Bridge. I have a series of photos of my Rowan printed out and kept on my bedside table so he is the last thing I see at night and the first thing I see when I wake in the morning. I also have his picture on my mobile phone and have a shelf dedicated to him in my wall cabinet, with his urn, his collar, a photo of him playing in the park, and a lock of his fur. I still miss him dreadfully, but it helps.
Take care.
Fiona (Rowan's mummy)
Member deleted
Posted 1173752138
#15
Tim,
Our sheltie girl, Tanzey, too was a "Daddy's girl"... but she loved me too just as much and in fact, loved EVERYONE, it was one of her most beautiful qualities...
Shelties have those adorable little faces that just steal your heart away... I know you are missing your Buttons terribly. Tanzey's Dad, my husband, too is a very strong, tough man... losing Tanzey broke his heart and the tears came... she was "our baby" in every way.
You've been in my thoughts and prayers... please try to let go of the guilt... you would never ever have hurt Buttons and she knows that. It's clear that you were a loving, wonderful Dad to her in every way possible. You had no way of knowing... and she wouldn't want you to punish yourself. Try to focus on the wonderful memories, the happy times you shared. Look at her pictures when you feel you are ready and share more with us if you feel comfortable. In time, the happy memories will bring smiles even through the tears. It does get easier, although you'll always miss her, that terrible raw grief does lessen in time.
I watched the video... and Buttons was just precious and adorable... I know that is a cherished keepsake and a wonderful memory of her puppy-hood.
Wishing for peace to settle over your aching heart...
Patti
ParkersAngel
1173667331
Posted 1173796848
#16
Dear Tim
Oh honey, I am so sorry for your loss. Buttons was SO lucky to have you in her life. You did everything you could to save her so please, it is NOT your fault. She was very sick and you tried to help..and she knows that. My grandpa had a Shelti named Brandy before I was born and Brandy was his best buddy and he EVEN STILL talks about Brandy everyday. I think it's neat sometimes because I have a dog named Brady and my grandpa call him Brandy sometimes...I think it's cute. I lost my Parker yesterday morning and last night I was going to bed and called out to my dogs and then didn't understand why they were looking at me funny....I said "Come on, Parker" burst into tears when I realized what I was saying. I called them by their correct names and up we went to bed.
I am thinking of you today as your story touched my heart. Please take care of yourself and know that Buttons is happy now and cough free. HUGS TO YOU
Melanie
DocU2
1158102264
Posted 1173807944
#17
One of the problems with almost all pets is that they live but a fraction of our lives. We see them getting ill at 10-15 years of age - a time when we are used to seeing our children grow stronger and flourish! But while our children are becoming young adults, our pets are now quite old. Still, when they pass, we can't help but blame ourselves. We feel as if we lost a 13 year old child. But what we've really lost is a pet who is the equivalent of 70-90 years of age in human years!
My point is that you had 13 wonderful years with Buttons. But at that age, her hearing was gone, most likely her walking was stiff, and she suffered breathing problems long before any treatment. It was simply her time.
You can claim it was this medicine, my thinking is that it was not. Her breathing problems is what led to the infection, not the medicine. Her higher white blood cell count indicates that there already was an infection and her body was indeed reacting to it. When one can't breathe deeply, that's when bacterial infections take hold in the lungs. Your baby did all she could, but her illness eventually caught up to her. It was equivalent to an elderly person getting pneumonia - they don't have the capacity to breathe deeply to prevent infections and their bodies are just too old to fight off the infection.
I know when Alex had to be put down, I suddenly had second thoughts. Did I act too quickly? Could I have waited? Was there hope? Without doing testing (i.e., based on symptoms alone), the vet said he felt Alex had Canine Vestibular Disease. That caused him to be nearly immobile. Standing and walking were almost impossible. But dogs can overcome this disease in time. So did I do the right thing in putting him down so quickly? I too berated myself.
But then I recalled that Alex was also deaf (or nearly deaf). His vision was also substantially reduced. He had severe arthritis - so severe that simple walking was difficult. And he was in renal failure. So even if he could have overcome the vestibular disease, he might have succumbed to kidney failure or other ailments. I did the right thing in putting him down.
In your case, you did all you could to help your beloved pet. As I read through your post, it's clear that vets disagree on treatment - and that alone says a lot. What one vet likes, another does not. One sees results, another does not. You could have done nothing and she still might have passed at the same time. In fact, had you done nothing, she might have left you sooner. She was ill, very ill. She was overcome by a bacterial infection due to old age. And as heart-breaking as it is to hear, it was her time.
Allow yourself time to grieve - you have every right. Don't let your wife of step-children say otherwise. And when you are ready, perhaps you can find a new way to rebond with your wife and children by getting a new dog, one that bonds with the entire family. This may be just what you need to cross that bridge with your family and move on. But for now, allow yourself time to grieve - just do not blame yourself. God gave her to you for 13 glorious years. It was just her time to return to God.
shelbygirl
1173656650
Posted 1173831684
#18
I am so sorry about Buttons. The video is adorable. I just lost my sheltie of almost 16 years on March first. She was old and I was so lucky to have her as long as I did. They are the most wonderful dogs. You did absolutely everything you could for Buttons. What a great dad. I think her condition was such that a little Prednisone did not tip her over the edge. She was so lucky to have you. Please don't blame yourself. Shelbygirl
DavidH
1173581168
Posted 1173841613
#19
Tim,
I am so sorry about your loss of Buttons. The video made me laugh and cry what a beautiful little girl. I’m like you, I don’t show a lot of emotion. Were the same age
We all beat ourselves up after the loss of a pet, shoulda,woulda,coulda it’s easy to do…wonder what if, You did what you did out of love and what you thought was right do not second guess it.
I lost my little buddy yesterday and there isn’t a minute that I don’t wonder if I should of or could have done something different. Ok I have to stop as I’m gonna start crying again. Hang in there Tim.
tim15856
1173159909
Posted 1173852275
#20
Tricia, Fiona, Patti, Melanie, DocU2, Shelbygirl, DavidH, & everyone else;
Thanks so much for your concern and words of comfort. I can't believe it's been over a month now since I lost her. I have stopped beating up on myself so much now because frankly, I'm drained. By thinking of happier times, I have been able to lessen the pain for short periods. I keep thinking of this one time that always brings a smile to me.
When my girls were younger, I encouraged them to chase squirrels mostly for the exercise. I later regretted doing that, but on this particular day, it was funny. I took the girls out the back gate where we would quickly cross the street and go into a grassy path. This area is where many of the squirrels hung out. On this day we crossed the street and a squirrel then ran under a parked car. Bows (my other Sheltie) took one side of the car, I took the opposite side. Buttons had the side toward the path where the trees are. I then looked under the car to see where he was. The squirrel just then shot out from under the car and ran toward the trees. Well Buttons was in his way, so he ran right under her. Buttons is only about 12" at the shoulders so there isn't much space under her, so that squirrel must have had a tight squeeze. Still, he ran so fast, he was a blur. Once past her, Buttons looked one way, then looked in the direction the squirrel ran, she then howled and ran off after him. If any of you are Bugs Bunny fans, you probably know Yosemite Sam. Well the way Buttons reacted reminded me of the times Bugs would pull a fast one on Sam. Then he'd look around confused at first, then when he realized what happened, he'd get so mad he'd bounce and smoke would come out and he'd yell and then run after Bugs. That is what Buttons looked like to me when that happened. She looked so mad it was funny.
Some of you have just lost your pet and all of you are here to help your grieving. When my brother found out about my Buttons and how much it affected me he called to see how I was doing. A couple years ago he lost his Yorkie. My mother told me he was having a hard time, but I didn't understand just how much they can affect you. I regret not calling him up to comfort him. So for all of you, I give you my condolences, my prayers, and my wish for all of you to get the comfort you need to get through your ordeal.
Tim
